rose_griffes | two BSG ficlets (of shame!) and one DW ficlet

I've decided that today is post embarrassing fic day.

When Leoben kidnapped Kara Thrace (and Kacey!) it was bad. Yet somehow my brain thought that Leoben kidnapping Gaius Baltar was... kinda funny. This is an alternate version of early season three, in which Leoben is convinced that it's God's will for him and Gaius to be together (instead of with Kara Thrace). (Sorry, Gaius! Sorry, everyone who reads this!)

warnings: uh, kidnapping? Did I mention that yet? And how bad that is? Icky death is mentioned in passing, but not described.
characters/pairings: (unrequited) Leoben/Gaius, brief reference to Caprica/Gaius, a short visit from head!Six, a kidnapped dark-haired toddler
disclaimer: not my show, not my characters, some lines here stolen directly from the show ~~which only adds to the fact that I'm a terrible, terrible person who writes about cylons kidnapping people and babies and thinks it's funny~~

Gaius was sitting still on the couch. At least, he was trying to sit still. His nerves were getting to him and he hadn't had a cigarette in days because Leoben was concerned about his health.

"It's been a couple of ugly days," the cylon said.

Yes, definitely, Gaius thought. The centurions hadn't gotten the scorch marks out of the carpet, though the blood stains were all gone. It had been a horrible, startling accident, and he certainly hadn't intended to kill the cylon. Admittedly, it had been a relief at the time.

He'd sort of forgotten that bit about downloading, though. And now Gaius wasn't allowed to in the kitchen again, either.

Leoben continued. "I know you don't care about that, but life means something to us. So I've decided to show you just how precious life can be. How even in the worst of times, it can restore your faith."

He paused, then asked, "Remember the Tywalt building in Caprica City?"

"I remember watching it explode on the vidscreen when you nuked it." Damn, he sounded snitty rather than genuinely horrified. Sometimes the feigned accent worked against him.

"It wasn't a total loss. We were able to salvage certain things. Certain medical samples."

"Medical... samples?"

"Your sperm donation. 'Scientist, genius IQ, good health, exceptionally attractive,' " the cylon quoted.

Gods, he'd forgotten about that.

"I'd agree with all of those descriptions," Leoben said tenderly, smiling as he looked fondly at him.

"That--that donation was to help people! People with fertility problems! Not to be used in... wait, what did you use it for?"

The Six who lived in his mind popped into view. "Oh, it's such a lovely surprise, Gaius!" she cooed. She smirked at him and sat on the couch armrest, crossing her legs in front of him.

Leoben walked up the stairs, not answering his question. He reappeared a few moments later, a dark-haired child in his arms. Not an infant... they had some term for kids that age.

It appeared to be a girl. That was the extent to which his brain processed this new development.

"What? What? I--what?"

"Stammering is so unbecoming for a man of your intellect, Gaius," murmured Six. She entwined her fingers in his hair, then gave a sharp tug, forcing him to look in the direction of Leoben and the girl.

"This is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Gaius, your father." Leoben held her up to see Gaius clearly.

"Hi," said the little girl with exuberance.

"Good girl," Leoben told her.

# # #
Leoben and Phoebe were playing with blocks on the floor. Somewhere in his mind Gaius registered the cuteness of the scene, but the majority of his brain refused to acknowledge what was happening.

Turning to him, Leoben said, "We performed in-vitro fertilization on a Six, who carried Phoebe close to full-term."

"Was it... Caprica?" Leoben had mentioned a Six called Caprica who had believed it to be her destiny to be with him. Gaius had realized that this was his Six during the conversation, the woman whose name he'd never known. The woman on the planet Caprica who had stolen information, helped start a genocide and then saved his life from that same attack.

Rather disappointing that she'd changed her mind about the whole him and her destiny thing, actually.

"Would it matter?" Leoben and the Six and his head asked simultaneously.

"No, no of course not. I was just wondering."

"I guess she gets her will to survive from you. I've seen her path. It's difficult, but rewarding. She'll know the mind of God in this lifetime. She'll see patterns that others do not see. She probably got such spiritual clarity from her mother."

# # #
Gaius had scooted to the end of the couch, as far away from the kid as possible. Phoebe was still playing with blocks for the moment, though Leoben had stood up.

"I need to leave for a bit," he told him. "She'll be hungry soon. There's food on the table, so you don't have to cook anything, darling."

The Six in Gaius's mind echoed it, cooing "Darling," in his ear. Gaius twitched at the term of endearment and didn't say anything. Apparently Leoben was going to leave him alone? With her? (Them?)

"You wouldn't let your own child starve, would you?" asked Leoben.

"My child. She can't be my child," Gaius mumbled. At that moment Phoebe looked up from her blocks, stared at him on the couch, then burst into tears.

"My child," Gaius repeated numbly. He heard the door close. Phoebe continued to cry, and the Six in his mind stood and smiled at them both, like a shark circling its prey in the water.

"Frak," said Gaius.

The girl stopped wailing for a moment and frowned at him. "Bad," she said distinctly.

Oh, this was just fantastic. Moral judgments from his daughter already, after knowing he was a father for less than an hour. Parenthood was going just as he might have guessed.

But wait! I'm not done with embarrassing fics! Two months ago

nicole_anell asked for a ficlet from this userpic:

"So." Caprica said the word carefully. "I'm glad you came."

"Right. Sorry I couldn't get back for a visit sooner." Athena looked upbeat in spite of her apologies. "But I did bring you something to make up for it!" She pulled something small out of her pocket and handed it to her.

Caprica looked surprised. "It's... a tube of lip gloss. How lovely."

"I just knew you'd like it!" said Athena.

"Um, did you have any chance to see about maybe bringing me a bra? Or a sweater?" Caprica hoped she didn't sound too demanding.

"Oh, right. No, I didn't remember to ask about them. I'll try and do that before I come for a visit next time."

Considering it had been a month since the last visit, Caprica wasn't going to hold her breath. Athena chatted about Hera, which was, in fact, cheering, then talked about how wonderful Helo was as a new father. That wasn't quite so interesting, considering that the wonderfulness of Helo was also a topic in their previous chat. Caprica listened attentively despite that. This was her sister, after all.

Finally Athena finished up her monologue and asked, "But what about you? Anything I should know?"

"Not much. Just, you know, a bit chilly in here."

"Right! I'll be sure and remember to look for those clothes before next time!" Athena was apparently in a rush to leave now; she gave Caprica a cursory farewell and left.

Caprica sat on her cot and rolled the tube of makeup between her fingers. She took out the compact Athena had brought her last time, looked in the mirror and put on a layer of gloss. At least the color looked good on her.

lyssie asked for a crossover ficlet with these two icons:

Warning for, uh, non-consensual arm-touching. (Hey, I like to be thorough about these things. Also, I'm even more embarrassed now that there's a pattern of objectifying/victimizing people in my post today.)

Mickey raised his fist and pounded it on the door again. No one had answered the first time, but he'd seen some movement from the corner of his eye--someone was looking at him from behind the half-torn curtains. Why did he have to go running around the woods following some path that disappeared half the time? Rose got to wear fancy clothes and go inside the castle, while he got stuck with the tin dog errand again. And now he couldn't even do what he'd been sent to do.

"Hello!" he shouted. "I'm here for business!"

Finally a small square in the middle of the door slid open. "We're not open for business," said the old (really old) man whose face was half-visible.

"The Doctor sent me," Mickey blurted. "It's important."

The square closed again, and finally the door opened with a loud squeak. A wizened hand poked out and motioned for him to come inside, so he did.

It was dingy in the tiny house. A small table covered with breadcrumbs stood in the small central room; Mickey could see a fireplace with a big kettle in the corner.

"The Doctor, eh? You're not him, though, are you?" The old man had a wheeze in his voice.

"Me, nah. I'm way better looking." Mickey grinned as he said it, then decided that maybe the cocky attitude should wait until he knew more about this Miracle Max for himself.

"Does he still have the... you know." Max--or at least Mickey assumed this was Max--wiggled his hands on each side of his head.

"Oh, the big ears? No, now he has this crazy hair." Mickey started to wiggle his own fingers above his forehead in imitation of Max's gesture, then stopped himself. He collected his thoughts and said, "We're on an important mission and the Doctor said you would know how to help."

"Look, I don't know what the Doctor told you, but I'm retired now. Made a bundle of money after the King's stinking son got deposed, and now I don't have to work. I got stocks and bonds and gold." He grinned and Mickey could see a gold-capped tooth in the smile.

Mickey thought about how to go about this. He could try cajoling or bribery, but maybe another route would be better. He sighed and rolled his shoulders. "I guess I should have known better. It's too bad, though. I don't know how I'm going to break the news to the Doctor. I'm sure he'll understand, it's just..." He let his voice trail off in disappointment. Max was looking intrigued but it wasn't quite enough.

"I'm sure we'll figure out some other way to save the world." He took a step toward the door. Still no break from Max but at that moment a woman (at least, he thought she was a woman, it was hard to be sure under the wrinkles and rags) whirled out from the other part of the house.

"Save the world?" she rasped. "We'll do it!"

"Valerie, you don't even know what he wants us to do! It could be dangerous! It could be expensive!" Max said the last word with a melodramatic shriek that made Mickey jump.

The woman ignored his naysaying and sashayed over to Mickey. "Hello. I'm Valerie." She batted her eyelids and Mickey gingerly took her proffered hand in a handshake. Looking disappointed that he didn't kiss it, she said, "So nice to meet a friend of the Doctor's. Is he going to visit, too?"

"Erm. Possibly?" Mickey thought of their tight schedule. For someone who had a time-traveling box, the Doctor had a terrible habit of leaving hardly any time to accomplish saving the world. Of course, it's not like any of this was planned ahead of time. Disaster and chaos apparently had a magnetic pull for time travellers.

Max chimed in with another refusal. "I have a strict policy of neutrality when it comes to charity work--"

Valerie overrode his remarks. "So what do you need?" She was sliding her hand up his arm as she spoke. "A strong man like you, I'll bet you're very helpful in difficult situations." Both of her hands were now curled around his bicep and Max was glaring at him.

Mickey hadn't heard the word 'helpful' pronounced in such innuendo-laden tones before. "Um. A simple potion, really," he stammered. Valerie edged in closer--he thought maybe she was surreptitiously sniffing his chest? Okay, so the tin dog metaphor didn't quite cover it. Tin dog sounded like an enviable role right now, actually.

He wasn't sure if he should tell the Doctor and Rose that they owed him big-time or never to speak of this again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Gaius and Leoben is disturbingly hysterical. I agree with your warped mind. :) And Athena and Caprica sounding more like sorority sisters cracks me up. :)

Great stuff!

Warped mind, indeed. (Mutual warped minds, hurrah!) Anyway, I'm glad you were amused.

Ahahaha, the lip gloss and no clothes. Athena is NEVER going to live that down, is she? XD

Also, I love your Gaius!

Nope, Athena will never live it down, you're right. Hah!

As for poor Gaius, I just realized--I've only written him (or co-written) in crack-fics with Leoben. (Though in the other ones, Leoben was discussing his beloved Kara, naturally.)

on my goodness! HORRORORRSSSS. kidnapping! Babies! LIP GLOSS!!!

*snickers lots*

poor Gaius. poor Caprica. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for there... except for how I kind of don't at all... heh.

GASP! I forgot to warn for lip gloss!
*cries from the added shame*

Heeeee, oh Gaius. (I've never written him in anything but crack-fic, which seems appropriate, actually.)

Gaius/Leoben totally cracked me up...my brain is just as frakked up, clearly. ;-) And I want more! Gaius + kids is always scarily awesome.

Glad you enjoyed it, thanks!

She probably got such spiritual clarity from her mother.

Ahahaha. I mean, poor Gaius, of course. And poor Caprica. And MICKEY! Hee.

*attempts to look sad*

Hee!

Those BSG fics are both hysterical! Somehow the Gaius and Leoben thing worked much better than I anticipated- and the idea of Gaius coming around, like Kara did, is enchanting.

Hurrah, you liked them! Thanks for letting me know!

Gaius/Leoben is like the pairing I didn't know I wanted. COMPLETE WITH SMALL CHILDREN OMG. <3

Oh, god. Poor Caprica. *winces* *whaps Athena*

And Mickey storming the castle! HUZZAH. =D

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

And Mickey needs some appreciation, so yay!

*laughs* That was a lot of fun!

Thank you!

The girl stopped wailing for a moment and frowned at him. "Bad," she said distinctly.

Oh, this was just fantastic. Moral judgments from his daughter already, after knowing he was a father for less than an hour. Parenthood was going just as he might have guessed.

OMG, poor Gaius! Getting bossed about by a ? year old. This is so his voice. I can see him sitting there all knees and elbows as this plays out! And like you, why is kidnap in this sit amusing? IDK, but it is.

And the Caprica & Athena is really funny too. (Poor girl had to go around in the skimpy top for months!) Athena's prattle was cute. These are great! :D

Sad or funny fact: I have never written Gaius Baltar in fact other than to mock him. With Leoben in the same stories (who also gets mocked). Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed these; they made me giggle a lot to write them.

two BSG ficlets (of shame!) and one DW ficlet

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